Revolutionary Beer Delivery Device

TALKEETNA -- When it comes to beer delivery devices, in-the-know hipsters reach most often for a can. The humble aluminum beer can has long ago proven itself both practical and fashionable. A beer can is an ironic, retro accessory. A can coordinates perfectly with skinny jeans and a fitted flannel shirt-jac. And its good for the environment.

But one Alaska brewery is challenging the formidable pop top. Denali Brewing Company recently introduced the aerosol beer can. "We call it the Rattle Can - the Rattler for short. It's fully weaponized", said Chief Brewer Turk Ferguson in a Thursday night press conference at the Talkeetna bottling factory.

That's right. Weaponized beer delivered by spray can.

"The can is what the cool kids are drinking these days. We wanted to stay close to the local vibe - keep the familiar silhouette. This can does that," added Ferguson at the kick off party scheduled to begin at 2pm.

But this can shreds tradition by replacing the familiar pop top with the company's patented new "Go Button". Here's how it works. Shake can vigorously for 2 minutes to engage the microbubble canister rattling around inside. Once the beer is agitated, its go time - or Go Button time as the case may be. Hold the nozzle near your mouth and empty its contents thither. The can is fully discharged in 6 to 8 seconds.

"You've heard of a Kentucky Waterfall, right? Business in the front, party in the back. Well, this can is a full-on party from top to bottom. Easier than a keg stand, quicker than a shotgun," said Ferguson, gesticulating wildly.

Pre-orders through Denali's 'Locals Only' program, a Kickstarter-like marketing campaign, saw brisk activity over the past 3 weeks. The company has raised more than $47,000 to date.

"The locals are loyal to our beer, so we're loyal to them. They love the Go Can - or Rattlesnake...Rally Can...Rattle Can...Hell, I can't even remember what we call the thing...much less what my own name is at this point. We''ve emptied so many cans tonight, bro..." croaked Ferguson over the wailing guitar band performing past midnight.

"Of course we're concerned," said Agent Bill Parker, who conducts inspections of Alaska's alcohol distilling, fermentation, and storage facilities on behalf of the U.S. Bureau of Alcohol Tobacco & Firearms. "When you start weaponizing everyday liquids, we justifiably feel the need to intervene. Start asking questions, making observations, backgrond checks, black ops - that sort of thing."

"Tonight we've seen nothing atypical for Talkeetna. A community festival engagement with the usual locals and miscreants partaking in the festivities," said Agent Parker. "No fines tonight. Just some ruffian tourist malfeasance."

While the jury is still out on whether beer drinkers outside of Alaska will reach for a Rattle Can instead of a traditional can, only time will tell. Denali Brewing hopes to take its concept beer delivery device national in the Fall.

"Instead of depleting the ozone layer, the Rattler fills the beerzone hole," squawked one self-identified miscreant from the rear seat of Agent Parker's interceptor.

Reporting from Talkeetna, I'm Skye Cooley.

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