Cesspool Wading


The Republican field is beginning to narrow. I figured I'd wade in now (only knee deep, thank you) and express my opinion on the candidates. Here, I introduce the "HairMetric", a useful way to determine Presidential fitness.

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Donald Trump

The great thing about Trump is that he says to the Press what guys who drive trucks have been yelling into their AM radios for years. The Donald is so far removed from societal criticism that we can just sit back, enjoy the show, and cheer him on. Wasn't he on Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous w/ Robin Leach back in the '80s?. At 69 years old, Trump doesn't just have "F-you" money, he has "F-me" money. He can afford to make any mistake he wants, political or otherwise.

HairMetric: Taxidermy diagonal comb-over

Bottom Line: Trump needs to find another gear with respect to his message if he wishes to remain relevant to voters (he'll always be relevant to the Press). If he leaves the race before the field narrows to 2, it will be his choice to do so. Don't count on it.

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Ben Carson

Lots of goodwill for this guy, even if he is not as polished as others. He talks slowly and doesn't care, which is refreshing. Not sure just what's in store for the good doctor, but I'd guess Cabinet post or the speaker circuit.

HairMetric: Unremarkable, which is kind of nice.

Bottom Line: Cabinet post.

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Jeb Bush

Gone by New Year's. You'll know he has made the decision to exit the race by a change in his campaign message. Listen for it. However, Bush's exit will not be quick - there's too much heavy machinery trailered up behind him right now.

HairMetric: Standard golf course board room cut.

Bottom Line: More than his own campaign, watch for where his endorsement and his campaign money goes. That will be significant.

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Marco Rubio

A wide swath of people want see this guy succeed. He's the only one in the bunch that, even if you don't really like his politics, you probably like him as a person. And he's good looking. That goes a long way in our image-driven world. There's potential for "Kennedy/Nixon 2.0" with a televised Rubio/Clinton showdown.

HairMetric: "Number 5 on the sides and back, fade it up. I push it over. Not too short. I have 15 minutes."

Bottom Line: Upon Bush's exit, his money will go somewhere. If it goes to Rubio, he's the Republican candidate.

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Ted Cruz

The only true Conservative in the race. Cruz is sharp, persistent, and runs a disciplined campaign. He's too preacherly and bit too goofy looking for many New Englanders, Left Coasties, and people with graduate degrees. Lots of support from Tea Party goers, though. Cruz supporters are not going to be dismissed, which means Cruz stays in the race to the bitter end, barring internal meltdown.

HairMetric: Travelling evangelist slick-up.

Bottom Line: Limbaugh and the horse's ass Sean Hannity are still not all-in for Cruz; they like his message, but sense weakness.

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Rand Paul

Libertarians raise important issues and often bring unique perspectives to the table. The problem is that they just don't win Presidential races. Period. If John Hamm was the Libertarian candidate for President, the party might have a fighting chance. Might.

HairMetric: "Mom, why does my hair look like this?"

Bottom Line: Election history (and the hair) keep him out.

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Carly Fiorina

I like this lady. Carly could be elected Prime Minister in two dozen other first world nations. America just sees things differently. Don't know much about her, but she seems smart and capable.

HairMetric: "I arranged a billion dollar deal on the flight over here. What relevance is my hair? Next."

Bottom Line: Maybe a Cabinet post, more likely Board Chair for AMEX or FedEx or Gates Foundation.

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